I still can’t believe it, but I am now a
deacon! I was
ordained last Saturday morning in Charleston
by Bishop Baker, along with two of my brother seminarians, after we
made our
commitment to obedience, prayer, and celibacy.
Many people have asked me if
I was nervous. It’s a good
question, since becoming a deacon is the “point of no return” in many
respects
and is usually a lot more nerve-racking for a seminarian than his
priestly
ordination. But thankfully I was very peaceful as the big day
approached. There was no tossing and turning in bed the night before.
It was only when we stood at the
back of
the cathedral, about to walk down the aisle, that I felt butterflies in
my
stomach like those I imagine a bride feels as she prepares to enter the
church
for her wedding.
One of the
biggest challenges, surprisingly, came in the
form of a little baby boy. At the beginning of the Mass, the three of
us deacon
candidates were seated in the congregation with our families. Sitting
in front
of us was a mother holding a baby boy. He was turned around in his
mother’s
arms and looking straight at me, smiling up to me with beautiful blue
eyes.
Looking at him, I couldn’t help tearing up. The hardest part of
celibacy for me
has always been not being a dad and having my own children, and this
adorable
little baby suddenly represented all of that in a piercing way.
For a brief
moment there I was struck with the sudden urge
to say “I can’t do this!” and to go running back down the aisle, like
Julia
Roberts in “Runaway Bride,” my white robe flying behind me as I ran out
the cathedral
doors and into the Charleston sun to find some beautiful Catholic woman
with
whom I could have a dozen kids and live happily ever after. Fortunately
the
moment passed as quickly as it came and I stayed where I was, knowing
that God
is calling me to be the father of countless spiritual children.
Before I knew it,
the gospel was proclaimed—the one where
Jesus tells us to pray for laborers for the harvest—and the three of us
were
each called by name and we left our families to answer the call. (A
great
symbol, as my sister pointed out.) We were presented to the bishop and
to the
people as candidates for ordination. The people clapped with gratitude.
We
listened as the bishop gave his homily, and then we were called over to
make
our different promises. I am happy to report that my voice rang out
clear and
strong for each “I do!”, including the “biggie” of celibacy.
Then came the
litany of the saints, when the choir sings out
the names of some of the greatest saints in the history of the Church,
and
everyone responds singing, “Pray for us!” It is a time when we as a
church are
asking all of those in heaven to pray to God for us, and especially for
those
who are about to be ordained. During this time the three of us were
lying prostrate
on the floor, signifying our submission and self-offering. Many people
have
told me that this was the part of the liturgy that they found most
moving, with
the beautiful music and the sight of us lying there. I meanwhile
remembered the
advice that one of the priests had given us just before the Mass began:
“During
the litany, just pray!” So I didn’t try to follow the litany; I just
laid there
and thanked God for bringing me so far and for giving me such a
beautiful
calling.
Soon afterward,
the bishop silently laid his hands on each
of us and prayed over us—the gesture used since apostolic times to
ordain a man
to ministry—and we were officially deacons! The bishop stood up and
congratulated each of us, telling us with a smile, “You made it!” It
was a
pretty amazing moment. We then were dressed in the vestments worn by
deacons. I
was helped into the new “duds” by my pastor from Aiken, Fr. James
LeBlanc, who
had kindly agreed to be the one who vested me. When we turned around
all
dressed like deacons, everyone clapped wildly and the three of us just
stood
there trying to take it all in.
We then took over
as deacons for the rest of the Mass, which
was somewhat intimidating! For the first time, I was able to call out
the Mass
parts spoken by the deacon, “Give each other the sign of peace!” and
“The Mass
is ended, go in peace!” That was really cool! My fondest memory is of
how at
one point during the Mass the three of us began to kneel out of habit
along
with everyone else in the congregation, and one of the priests had to
quickly whisper
to us, “Deacons stay standing!” We all thought, “Oh yeah, we’re deacons
now!”
I’m still trying
to get used to being a deacon. It has been
strange to wear my clerical clothes around town; no one has yet called
me
“Father” but I can tell people are scratching their heads over such a
young guy
dressed like a priest. The highlight so far has been preaching. On
Sunday I
preached for the first time at my home parish, with the theme “speaking
the
truth in love.” With God’s grace, I will live out that theme in my
ministry as
a deacon and as a priest! Thank you for your prayers!
